Do you know what it’s like to want something? I mean to really want something. A couple of years ago, there was something I wanted. I don’t even know the reason I wanted it so badly or maybe I wanted it for too many reasons. Nonetheless, I planted it, watered it, nourished it, built it in my mind and put all of my faith in it. I wanted it with my whole entire being. I told myself since I barely ever want things that aren’t mine, I deserve this one. Just this one time. Mindblowingly enough, I got it. By the time it takes you to re-read this paragraph and take it all in, I lost it.
I was devastated. I was confused. I was anxious. I asked myself “why” so much, it started to taste like a piece of gum I’d been chewing on for a week. Gross right? Asking “why” for so f-cking long felt like continuously (and willingly) pounding my head onto a brick wall until I could no longer tell which was redder. Ouch. I was in a constant state of anxiousness of which I was much too anxious to snap out of. It was overwhelming in the worst way possible. I would mention these vague feelings surrounding my “loss” that year through many of my written pieces but I hope my tone doesn’t sound bitter. I’m actually happy. It’s weird, but I’m really happy.
“You can plan a pretty picnic but you can’t predict the weather.” - Andre3000
I'm happy because through that great loss came a great realization. As colorful as you may create your dreams to be, the reality is, reality can often be a series of impending catastrophes. Catastrophes which you have absolutely no control over. You know what though? That’s the thing: you have to accept the fact that you do not have control over everything in your life. Read that again. You do not have control over every-single-thing in your life. There will be tragedies, there will be miracles, there will be a range of memorable events in between, and often, you won’t have a hand in choosing that. I do not say this to make you feel vulnerable nor small. I say it, in fact, to empower you.
“My heart is at ease knowing what is meant for me will never miss me." - Imam ash Shafii
We are all human. We want answers. We want to know. We want to have control over everything. Yet, I now realize that every time I didn't get something I thought I really wanted, it was a blessing in disguise. This must be because the Universe loves me. So the answer to my previous “Why?” “Because I knew it wasn’t mine to begin with.”
“We live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. We are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all.” – Kalu Rinpoche
I believe in destiny being pre-written but I believe in being the author of my own destiny. Understand that the Universe doesn’t revolve around you, the Universe is within you. Have faith in the Universe. Have faith in yourself. It’s no contradiction, it’s consciousness. You see, it all comes full circle. So cut your losses, if you didn’t get something you wanted, it's because the Universe loves you too.
”God knows, that life is one big road with a lot of signs and turns and twists and curves. Even though the road is rocky, maintain the ride and keep on rocking.” - Mos Def
But how? How do we learn to enjoy the smooth parts of the road when all we’ve known is to maneuver around speed bumps, ditches, roadblocks and detours? You can't take it personal. The road was rocky before your hands started shaking. Let it go. It’s okay to enjoy the ride, to look out the window and reflect on your journey, to be proud of yourself for making it this far with only your two hands on the wheel. Trust yourself, take care of yourself, be at peace with yourself. If you want to be happy, let this realization resonate: The Universe doesn’t revolve around you. The Universe is within you.