The Art of Detachment

People always tell me that I soothe them. “Your vibe is my everything.” They tell me that I look at them with kind eyes, listen patiently, and make them feel understood without having to say too much. “Do you ever feel like you were meant to understand but not to be understood?” It still surprises me because I think that I am actually a very anxious, impatient and neurotic person. “Extreme” is the best word to describe it. I either love something with my entire heart and soul or shut off and detach completely. I’m aware that my all or nothing personality will be the death of me one day, but “I give because I know how it feels to want.” I’m a very private person and it gets overwhelming. I know that feel things heavily; that’s why I don’t like leaning on others, that’s why I’m always sinking so deep into my head.

“She’s never where she is, she’s always in her head”

but

“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation mid-sentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you..” - The Lover’s Dictionary by David Levithan

I’ve been thinking a lot about love, lately. I mean, I know that it exists because I’ve been there before, most of us have, but I’ve come to the conclusion that love is temporary – especially for an artist.

I’ve spent weekends with women who loved me, and years with women who haven’t.” – Brandon Villasenor

There was a time in my life where I was so deep in love, I don’t think he even knew the intensity of it. When it ended, I shut off and went to a dark place for quite some time. It was difficult, but it eventually turned into a dull ache. One day, my curiosity got the best of me and I decided I wanted to feel something again. Don’t we all? I peeled myself out of my shell and began to explore. Though my walls were high, my habits were the same – my empathetic nature would see the silver lining in every disaster of a man I would come across. The same men who wore thick cloaks of standoffishness were the ones who were most desperate to be loved. I tried to understand them and make them feel wanted, but at the end of it, all I ever got in return were shrugs and blank expressions.

“I’m the type of person that falls in love with everyone I meet. It’s not a hopeless romantic or a need of affection, I just see so much potential in everyone. Whether you’re heaven or whether you’re toxic, I have a classic habit of seeing your worth. I love everyone and it’s starting to drain me.” – Sadie Brooks

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply” – David Jones

“People need me. I fill them. If they can’t see me for a while they get desperate, they get sick. But if I see them too often I get sick. It’s hard to feed without getting fed.”  – Charles Bukowski

It took me twenty-something years to realize that I’m an artist. Ever since I have, it explains everything. There’s no going back. The world just looks different to me. I couldn’t stop creating, even if I tried. As artists, we feel things more heavily than the average human. We work to communicate these feelings through different mediums and in that lies the biggest contradiction: no matter how deeply we feel and want to connect, solitude is our sanctuary. It’s difficult to let people in for too long without having them clutter our worlds. So maybe artists are meant to fall in love solely to gather inspiration and move on. Maybe we are meant to cross paths but avoid staying too long. Maybe falling too far will just take us down the rabbit hole and awaken a side of us that we cannot recognize and do not wish to.

“He asked, ‘I wonder what it feels like to be loved like someone like you.’ She replied, ‘Probably like you’re drowning; maybe the euphoric state, maybe the struggle, maybe both.'” – Emery Allen

“‘Tell me where it hurts’ she’d say. ‘Stop howling. Just calm down and show me where.’ But some people can’t tell where it hurts. They can’t calm down. They can’t ever stop howling.” – Margaret Wood

xo, Has