Exhausted (Self)Love

Last year, someone was reading through my most recent posts and asked me if I was heartbroken. To be honest, that’s what I was most worried about when I decided to take this route of sharing my written pieces about the more personal topics. My answer to their question – I think that everyone is heartbroken to some degree, there’s levels to it; but that hasn’t been the intended focus upon any of my written pieces in a while. The thought that has been swimming through my mind for the last two years or so surrounds the importance of the idea that one must find comfort in their own solitude.

It seems that every which way I turn, I see the same patterns.
1) First, there are the women who always have a boyfriend. We all know those women -- someone who posts pictures of their significant other on Facebook with an essay caption professing their love, then 3 months later you scroll down your newsfeed to them post a carefully-formulated, semi-spiteful (new haircut, cheesy Drake-related caption, partying in Vegas) selfie, then right before you know it she’s engaged to someone new and they have a dog together.
2) Next, there are the men who swear they absolutely despise being in a relationship. These are the men who will reach out to you every few months because contrary to what they say, they constantly need a woman in their life to text throughout the day or grab coffee with on call in order to make themselves feel less lonely. These are the men who secretly love putting up with the “crazy ones” (even though they say they hate the “crazy ones.”)
3) Finally, there are the men and women, both, who are trapped in 7 year relationships with someone they’ve grown to despise but can’t seem to cut loose. All they do is bicker, argue and complain about their partner, yet stay complacent and stay together.
What they all have in common is a weak bond of companionship and an even weaker relationship with themselves.

Why is that? Why can’t people wrap their minds around the idea that it is okay to be alone until the right person comes along? Why are they so terrified of being alone for 30 seconds, long enough to hear themselves think? Is it because they’ll have to face their problems with no help from a partner? Or are they so insecure they need their ego stroked by someone 24/7? Does misery really love company that badly?

Let me tell you, you’re never going to find the right person to love you if you can’t love being by yourself first. As cliché as that might sound, it’s a well known truth which most are too worried to de-mask. It’s necessary to shut off and recharge. Discover what scares you then go conquer those demons, alone. Assess what you really, really want, and then you can think about who you’re willing to give it to. Stop being afraid of yourself. Being comfortable with being alone is the most powerful and possibly the most peaceful thing in the world. Don’t fall into the mindless cycle.

Interviewer: I mean, I know it’s none of my business, but you are married to one of the great women of the world who adores you. My God, if anybody has made you happy..Man being interviewed: She insists she is in love with me, whatever that is. What she means is that she prefers the senseless pain we inflict on each other to the pain we would otherwise inflict on ourselves. But I’m not afraid of that solitary pain. In fact, If I don’t strip myself of all this clatter and clutter and ridiculous ritual, I shall go out of my f-cking mind. Does that answer your question?Interviewer: What question was that?Man being interviewed: You asked me why I was getting divorced.Interviewer: Oh listen, it’s your life.. I’m sorry I even asked. (Altered Minds, 1980 cc: Exhausted Love - Eyedea and Abilities).

xo, Has