Being the "Cool Girl"

Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? ‘She’s a cool girl.’ Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer.. while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl. Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every f-cking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: ‘I like strong women.’ If he says that to you, he will at some point f-ck someone else. Because ‘I like strong women’ is code for ‘I hate strong women.’)” – Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

Men often categorize me as one of these women who wears the Cool Girl hat. Yes, I really do enjoy watching Goodfellas and rapping along to old-school Tribe Called Quest vinyls while I’m cleaning the house or getting myself glammed up to go out. No, I do not like letting people know what is going on with me, so I maintain my composure and smile when I’m upset rather than sending angry 5 paragraph texts or letting my mascara run at work. And more often than not, I try to let things slide, I try not to cause a scene, I try to be kind and understanding. Ironically, the second I remove the Cool Girl hat to smooth out my hair and handle a situation which theatens me, I, as all other Cool Girls, am instantly thrown the Crazy Girl dunce cap.

“He looked at me like I was crazy. Most of my lovers do, and that’s partly why they love me, and partly why they leave” – Jeanette Winterson

“Maybe I love too much and maybe I show it too little.” – R.M. Drake

I’m tired of being treated like I am difficult to love

Labeling any non-submissive, non-bland, non-dormant woman “crazy”  is an age old practice. I’ve learned to stop caring about the label men place because it’s usually nothing more than a projection of their own insecurities along with their fear of feeling or being felt. But the real issue lies in the question – what is so wrong with feeling? What’s so wrong with being felt? Why are people so scared of showing they care or saying what they really mean and really want?’

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.” – Chuck Palahniuk

“I wanted the whole world or I wanted nothing” – Charles Bukowski

It’s okay to want. It’s okay to feel. It’s human. It’s unavoidable, no matter how long or hard you try. So is being “crazy.” If being crazy means standing up for yourself, cutting off those who have wronged you, showing who you are and what you care about when you feel its necessary, then I guess being crazy is pretty cool.

xo, Has